So I've finally decided to write this after six months of breastfeeding. I was kind of worried that I would jinx myself but I've already surmounted many of my fears and superstitions involving it so I gave myself the green light. Plus, I figure maybe my struggles can help a friend out by learning from my mistakes (and yes I made many, don't be shocked).
I suppose I should begin by reviewing my last experience with nursing Mary. I went into my pregnancy with her saying that I would NEVER have a natural birth and not being all that sure about nursing her. As my pregnancy progressed, I became so sure that I wanted to breastfeed her despite not knowing what the hell I was doing. I didn't really grow up being exposed to breastfeeding at all. Most of the women in my family formula fed. Even my grandmother told me I was nuts (and she's mentioned it occasionally at family gatherings no less. Yeah. Awesome). I had a few issues with Mary in the beginning. Her latch was terrible and I had cracked, bleeding nipples. It was so painful. I went back to the lactation consultant at Holyoke Hospital and she helped IMMENSELY. The beginning was tough. Waking in the middle of the night to feed, and I was in pain, and tired... and a few times I caved and gave her a bottle of formula that the hospital oh so conveniently blessed me with (sarcasm). I had the wrong mindset. I was a first-time mom who was nervous about everything and I should have just been nursing her whenever she wanted. I almost felt it was inconvenient. If we were going somewhere and I wasn't sure where I'd be able to nurse her I would bring a bottle just in case. Thankfully, she never had issues with formula. I went back to work at 7 weeks postpartum unprepared and not even sure how my archaic rental pump really worked. I fell farther and farther behind in being able to pump enough to feed her while I was at work. I tried everything over the next couple months to get my supply up. I tried herbs, teas, beer, pumping more... nothing was working. After a while I couldn't even make enough for one feeding and she was left hungry and crying and I felt like a failure. I managed to have the birth I wanted, using only my body, and I couldn't manage to feed her the same way. I ended up really enjoying nursing and I hated giving it up. I wasn't ready.
Fast forward to my second pregnancy. I was determined to make a better experience. One of the first steps I took was to take a longer leave. I arranged with work to get someone to fill in for me so I could take 24 weeks of leave instead of coming back part-time after FMLA. Hey, it's one of the perks of working for a union and the Commonwealth! Woot. I spent much of my pregnancy reading kellymom and blogs. I made a goal for myself that I would nurse my son through his first year. This would be QUITE the jump from the 4 months that I lasted with Mary!
Let me add a disclaimer to the rest of this post. I totally support women and families that decide not to breastfeed. I think that we all need to make the decision that is best for us. This was our decision. There is no one that better understands how hard nursing can be like someone who's done it! I had to take up a certain attitude in order to reach my OWN goals. I am not anit-formula, but I am definitely against the tactics that companies use to undermine breastfeeding when we decide to do it. We should all make the decision on how to feed our children because it's an informed decision and not because of an ad campaign or false information and myths. We should have NO regrets.
Change #1: changing to midwives for care and a baby friendly hospital. I absolutely LOVED going to a midwifery as opposed to an OB. Midwives usually have more experience in breastfeeding so they were wonderful when I asked questions. Plus I felt that I was more likely to get the natural birth I wanted with them. Going to Cooley-Dickinson was awesome. All of the nurses were lactation consultants and they never tried to supplement Jack even though he ended up in the nursery for 18 hours. They were wonderful about getting me into the nursery to feed him myself. I often wonder if I would have been as successful nursing him if my hospital experience had been different. Also, because they are baby friendly, I never received samples and there was never any talk about supplementing at all, which was the best start I could have had!
Change #2: Surrounding myself with a great support system. This is so so important. Over the years as women we have lost a lot of the knowledge and wisdom regarding breastfeeding. In between the time that I had both kids, I gained such a wonderful group of women that were so open with info and encouragement. It's amazing what a difference it makes. I think that most women are like that that have breastfed. They enjoy it so much and want to share, so I could ask them anything!
Change #3: Banning formula from my house in the beginning. I said this to my husband and he kind of went "but what if we need it?" to which I said "well, I don't plan on needing it. And if there's an 'emergency' it's down the street so no one's going to die". And here's why this is an important step: as much as you want and intend on breastfeeding, there WILL be times in the beginning that you will think about caving... times when you are sleep deprived, when you're desperate, when all you can do is cry because 2 hours of sleep is NOT enough by any means. Don't have that temptation in your house if it's not necessary. You need to make sure that putting that baby on your boob is the EASIEST thing to do.
Change #4: This time I prepared to go back to work better. I bought a great pump at about a month and a half postpartum and started saving a supply. This way I wouldn't have to supplement for growth spurts etc. I really learned the mechanisms behind lactation. It really is a *system* between you and your baby.
Change #5: The change from when I had Mary was that memory of giving this up with her and how shitty it felt. Remembering that feeling made me appreciate it the second time around and prioritize it above work, above selfish desires, and above other people's hang-ups. I'm not going to feel bad or be embarrassed by feeding my kid. Not anymore.
So I'm more than half-way through my goal of one year. It's like any goal that you may have. My husband trained for a marathon and it's funny how similar the journey is. We all have our goals and this is mine. I will be relieved when I reach itl, but I also know that I probably won't want to give it up. I guess we'll have to see how long this boy still wants to nurse for I guess!
It kind of makes me sad that my relationship with my daughter may have been different had we continued longer. In the end, I've just had to relish the time that we DID have. I try to regret anything that much. It was that experience that made me the person I am now... and I like who I've become and the mom that I am now. Go figure!
